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Men Just Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. 

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear end and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, you must be fooling around.

What Women Really Mean

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.

Without you in it. 

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?

We haven't had a fight in a while. 

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.

You cheap slob! 

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.

I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. 

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I can't believe you have nothing planned. 

COME HERE.

My puppy does this, too. 

I LIKE YOU, BUT...

I don't like you. 

YOU NEVER LISTEN.

You never listen. 

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. 

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.

I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. 

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. 

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.

We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

At His Side

A man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..." She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..." He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me." "Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. I never seem to be promoted and my hard work isn't recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now...And you were still beside me..." Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband "And now I've had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...". There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You bring me bad luck ... I want a divorce"

Yard Work

A husband and his wife who have been married twenty years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She says nothing and ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” 
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”