Top 10 Good Things About Winning An Academy Award

10. "I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get a case a year."

9. "I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame."

8. "Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, 'Wanna polish my Oscar?'"

7. "Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding tickets."

6. "No more of that 'It's just an honor to be nominated' bull."

5. "If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way."

4. "On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes."

3. "A lot of people don't know this, but the head screws off and there's Bourbon inside."

2. "Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award?"

1. "There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you."

Top 10 Reasons I'm Happy To Have Been Born February 29th

10. "My house isn't all cluttered with thoughtful birthday presents"

9. "Between my birthday and the damn groundhog, February's a non-stop party"

8. "Though it's not legal, I pay my taxes once every four years, too"

7. "You think I'd be appearing on national TV if I'd been born February 28th?"

6. "How many people get a car on their fifth birthday?"

5. "We still pay the children's price at the movies"

4. "Lack of birthday cake has kept me relatively thin"

3. "There's nothing good about it -- I just wanted to meet Cosby"

2. "Dumb people think you're supernatural"

1. "I don't know why, but it gets me a lot of tail"

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Top 10 Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled

10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"

9. "It can only make left turns"

8. "Ambulances follow you around"

 7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""

 6. "It has the same battery as your watch"

 5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""

 4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""

 3. "Blue book value: $38.75"

 2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"

 1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"

Top 10 Questions Received By The Toro Snow Blower Hotline

10. "I'm blowing into it, but it won't snow"

9. "Do you make one for rain?"

8. "Who do I call about reattaching my hand?"

7. "Can you use it to make sno-cones?"

6. "This is Monica Lewinsky, are you looking for a spokesperson?"

5. "Can I use it to make cole slaw?"

4. "Toro? Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to call Zorro?"

3. "Can I use the snow blower indoors as a fan?"

2. "Where exactly does Bush think he's getting the money to go to Mars?"

1. "Can I blow myself?"

Top Ten Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
9. And even your night dreams are in HTML. 
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER...

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his. 9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it. 8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler. 7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago." 6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine. 5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch. 4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast. 3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth." 2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill. 1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
 5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
 6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
 10. No one steals your chair.

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!” 

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leak proof”.

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”