Intimate With A Ghost

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said 'goats.'

This is from a brand new teacher...

    Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.  Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse.
    I am to fight racism, patriotism, the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem.
    I'm to teach them good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.
    I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
    I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class (my choice) and after school.
    I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status.
    I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.
    I am to purchase supplies, room decorations, bulletin board supplies, supplies for children who can't afford them, and luxury items such as scissors, glue, scotch tape, paper clips, note book paper, red pens, and markers with my own money as there is no money in the budget for these items.
    I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.
    Is that all?

The President's Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. 

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Bush And The Lightbulb

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed; 

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed; 

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb; 

4. one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs; 

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb; 

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished; 

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark; 

8. One to viciously smear #7; 

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along; 

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Top 10 Reasons I'm Happy To Have Been Born February 29th

10. "My house isn't all cluttered with thoughtful birthday presents"

9. "Between my birthday and the damn groundhog, February's a non-stop party"

8. "Though it's not legal, I pay my taxes once every four years, too"

7. "You think I'd be appearing on national TV if I'd been born February 28th?"

6. "How many people get a car on their fifth birthday?"

5. "We still pay the children's price at the movies"

4. "Lack of birthday cake has kept me relatively thin"

3. "There's nothing good about it -- I just wanted to meet Cosby"

2. "Dumb people think you're supernatural"

1. "I don't know why, but it gets me a lot of tail"

ORGAN THAT EXPANDS TEN TIMES

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...

• You consider McDonald's "real food." 
•  You actually like doing laundry at home. 
•  4:00 AM is still early on the weekends. 
•  It starts getting late on the weeknights. 
•  Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. 
•  You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it. 
•  You'd rather clean than study. 
• Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal. 
•  Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life. 
•  You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
•  You know the pizza boy by name. 
•  You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark. 
• You live for getting mail. (E-mail included) Looking out the window is a form of entertainment. 
•  Prank phone calls become funny again. Wal-Mart is the coolest store. 
•  World War III could take place and you'd be clueless. 
•  You start thinking and sounding like your roommate. 
•  Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth. 
•  Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime. 
•  You find out milk crates have so many uses. 
•  The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).

COLLEGE HABITS TO BRING HOME

1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8. Walk to the post office to get your mail. 

9. Yell "FLUSH!"

10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13. Get dressed in the dark.

14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17. Order pizza every Friday night.

18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself.

19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.

20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.

21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go out.

22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail withdrawal).

23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
 5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
 6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
 10. No one steals your chair.

Earth Science Class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and 
began reading. 
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” 
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.” 
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 
“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” 
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.”

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH…

10. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

3. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.

2. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!